Chapter 3
When Clouds Come Crashing In
Fits of depression come over the most of us. Usually cheerful as we may be, we must at intervals be cast down. -Charles Spurgeon
Childhood traumatic events, life-threatening diseases and other high stress circumstances, coupled with a family history of mental health illness makes me a perfect candidate for this disorder to carry my mind away and destroy all those I love. However, as I look back on the landscape of my life I see that disease, the trauma of the road I traveled, and the genetic makeup of my DNA have failed to render my life destructive. Disrupted, yes. But destroyed, no. While I can see bipolar blips on the emotional and mental radar of my mind, I see the steadfast and faithful love of my wife and God. Highs and lows that were brought on by stresses I encountered along Lisa and I’s adventure through life often found me locked away inside my fear-filled, anxiety-riddled musings.
The first major blip on the radiowaves of my mind came in 2004 when I was attending Toccoa Falls College and pursuing a Biblical Studies degree. It was my 4th college in as many years and I had finally stopped running from God’s call on my life. I remember heading to chapel one day and finding my usual place amongst my friends and classmates. That particular day the chapel leaders had us do something that we didn’t normally do, they had us take each other’s hands around the room and continue in a time of lifting our voice to the Lord in prayer and worship. It was truly a spiritual experience for me, until it wasn’t anymore.
One minute I was standing with my heart and voice lifted to the Lord, the next minute I was on my back and there were teachers and leaders surrounding me. I had passed out and at 6’9” I had scared everyone around me when I landed. It is God’s grace that we were holding hands when my body went limp, otherwise the collision with the ground could have been even worse.
However, I felt anything but lucky at the time. Instantly I was “terrified.” “I’m dying” was my thoughts and my only outlet for my fear was God and my wife. Over the next several weeks the level of fear that hit my heart was only matched by the time I was 12-years old when learned I had to have open heart surgery. My heart was flooded by the emotions and fears of the unknown that were only multiplied when I went to the doctor and had my heart checked out. They assured me nothing was wrong with my heart, and even though I was experiencing arrhythmias periodically, I was fine.
Immediately I sunk into a depressive state of my mind as I was overwhelmed with a dread for life, a dread for the future, and a dread for my soul. I hated the sight of the sun, and I locked myself away in our apartment for a better part of the semester, only coming out for classes, for counseling and to fulfill any obligations I had to complete. It was a devastating season of terror and torment, and I felt like the pain I was experiencing internally were as real as any external hurts I had gone through in life. I wrestled mightily with the genuineness of my faith and with the calling on my life during this time. “How could someone who is called to pastor wrestle with such questions about his personal faith? How could someone who loves Jesus wrestle with trusting Him so often?”
It was too much for me to take and eventually I turned to doctors to find relief from my anxiety and depression. It was in this season that I first experienced the life-breathing effects of a 3M approach to fighting for my mental health. While I didn’t see it through the lens of these 3M’s yet, that wouldn’t come until my 2020 breakdown, I do see now that God used the 3M’s in this season to restore my mind and help me function more readily.
Medication, Meditation & Mediation collectively were used by God to prevent me from sinking further in the pit of my mind’s own digging. On the medication side I was prescribed 10 mg of Lexapro to pull me out of the depression and to fight off the anxiety. On the meditation side I was given countless Bible verse cards by my wife to memorize and utilize when my thoughts took a turn for the worst. And on the mediation side of things, it was the first time I can remember calling on the pastors in my life to pray over me for mental, physical and emotional help and healing.
I’ll never forget when George Champion came over to our little apartment and he and his wife visited with Lisa and I. They both spoke such words of encouragement into our young hearts that day, and then he proceeded to pray over me. While I am unable to tell you all that he prayed, one line in particular struck a chord deep in my soul and I found myself returning to it often over the next couple of weeks, and periodically throughout my lifelong journey with mental health struggles. Pastor Champion prayed, “Thank You, God, that You count Mike worthy to go through this.”
In the moment I wanted to scream, “Say what?” But in the wake, I know that God used this man’s faith-filled method of mediation, his prayer with me and for me, to awaken a new perspective in my soul toward the season of suffering I was facing, and toward future seasons that I would face. In that one line was the acknowledgement that I was not alone, that God was walking that road of seeming isolation and abandonment with me, that He had a purpose in my pain, and that He would use it for His glory and my good.
Looking back now I realize that this was the first major moment in my life where I could not handle the bipolar pull of my mind without the help of others and I am eternally grateful to those who prayed, prescribed and pressed me into the truths of Scripture. I also see now that the ensuing season of mania that quickly followed this time of deep despair in my life was likely due to the untempered and unfettered effects of the antidepressant on my undiagnosed bipolar brain. (Word Count: 992)
BIPOLAR PROCESSING: Bipolar is a disease that is often misdiagnosed because it takes on the shape and form of so many other illnesses. For me, the diagnosis of depression and anxiety is a common miss by medical doctors who seek to relieve symptoms, yet fail to recognize the source of the suffering. When you give someone with bipolar depression an anti-depressant to lift them out of the recesses of their depression it acts like a jolt to their mental makeup and they can be set into hyper-speed, now traveling upward toward vitality and excitement. The human body isn’t designed to be able to travel to such extremes for too long without breaking down and detaching from the realities of life. That detachment can take place in the depressive swings of bipolar and one who is loved and supported can be lost in the confines of their own mind feeling abandoned and hated. When they detach from reality they can move toward self-harm, engaging in destructive behavior, or worse of all, committing suicide. On the flip-side, when they detach from reality on a manic swing is when they can believe grandiose ideas about themselves, get swept away in the exhilaration of the highs, and move into states of paranoia and hallucinations. Having experienced both sides of these detachments in very “light degrees” I can tell you first hand that they are more likely to be avoided when a person is surrounded by a support system of friends and family. The more that bipolar sufferers can ground themselves in reality and surround themselves with people of love and grace the better chance they have of leveraging their mind for the good of others.
BIBLE PROCESSING: “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are lovely…meditate on these things” (Philippians 4:8). It was this verse that became a vital lifeline to me in the Toccoa Falls College season of fear and hopelessness. Since my anxiety was tied to an actual, physical, I found particular solace in the instructions found in this verse. My fear was, “I’m dying. Something is wrong with my heart.” By the way, 2 years after this I would be given a pacemaker because there was something wrong with my heart. But as far as I knew in the moments of 2004 I was just imagining that my heart was skipping beats and I was just stressing myself out with the thoughts of dying. This verse directs me to think on things that are true, noble, just…well, since in my situation I didn’t know what was true, it latched on to the 4th descriptor in this verse, “whatever things are lovely.” It was here that I rested my wandering mind often. If I found myself thinking, “You’re dying Mike” I would pause and ask, “Since you don’t know if that is true, is it lovely?” The answer to that question became “No” in the moment and I would make a conscious effort to shift my focus from worrisome thoughts to wonderful ones. I would meditate on Bible verses about His grace, His love and His goodness. I would think on the beauty of my wife, the gifts he had given me and the opportunities all around me. There is great Biblical support to the power of Biblical thinking, and at it’s core Biblical thinking is honoring to God, helpful to man, and hope-filled toward those who are in Christ. For anyone wrestling with intrusive thoughts I encourage you to spend time meditating on Philippians 4:8, it has been a fighter verse I have used often in the battlefield of my own mind.
Leave a Reply