My Mental Health Concession

In June of 2020 I found myself in the middle of a whirlwind of crazy. Life was moving fast, hell was breaking loose all around me, and my mind was swinging into full manic, hyperdrive. After learning that my counselor spoke to my boss who then put me on leave of absence my manic mind found only 6 hours of sleep over the next 9 days, and I hit a wall. One ambulance ride and 11 days later I left the psychiatric center stabilized on the first line of medicines to stabilize my crumbling world. Diagnosis: Bipolar 1, with psychosis.

The next 4 months found me spiraling into the depressive side of this newly diagnosed disease and the decision of seven men to walk me out the back door of the church with no concession to the laws and ethical codes that were broken by my counselor. In my mind, I was a failure, I was a fraud and I was afraid of the unknown. I limped through life in the next 4 months, lamenting my lot in life and the betrayal of well-meaning loved ones.

In December I landed an opportunity to serve as the next senior pastor of ”Second” Baptist Church. I interviewed with the “if-they-don’t-ask-I-won’t-tell” mindset that I was coached to take by a couple key voices in my life. It was with this mindset that I chose to walk into the front door of both the “Second” and “Third” Baptist Church.

It is after being fired by a second church for behaving “differently” that I have decided to not take my family down this road again. The road of, “We love you, we love your passion for Jesus and the gifts he has given you, we find out you have bipolar and our mind toward you changes.” At Second Church I was told “you have a demon inside of you” and behind closed doors a fear-filled leader of Third Church said, “Mike may be drinking, he may be dangerous, he is a big guy” (I’m 6’9”), he has to go.” And without a word of counsel with me or my wife we were fired without cause from both churches.

With both of these responses to me disclosing my mental condition after serving within those churches for 18 months each, I am realizing that my decision to not tell it all on the front end was the wrong path to travel. I am coming to grips with the beautiful fact that the right church will not fear the reality that…

I am a bipolar pastor.

Please note, I have bipolar, I am not bipolar. Bipolar, in my story, is both nature and nurture, coming to me through both my family trees and my family traumas. However, God’s mercy and grace has been built into my spiritual, emotional and relational DNA, and the Bible has been a source of strength and stability throughout my adult years. I have no illicit addictions or hidden behaviors that so many tie to the disease. I have a deep abiding passion for my boys, my wife, my Lord, and the local church. In my moments of mania and misery I have found a grounding force in the Gospel gifts given to me by God, and I have used these times to write creatively and minister authentically. See Spoken Word Videos and Sermons to see the products of my persistent return to the Word of God to fight my feelings of Depression and Anxiety, the known diagnoses I had been given up until 2020’s breakdown.

My bipolar brain isn’t sin, but it is my natural “defective and default” bend, and when wielded by my own sinful, prideful hands it can lead me to sin against God and hurt those I love. When yielded to the Lord it has the power to bring beauty from ashes, hope to the hurting and freedom to the captive, as the way words run through my mind and pain marks my past has allowed me to share my war-torn, Word-tethered testimony that “His grace IS sufficient in our weaknesses.”

My bipolar propensity toward anxiety and depression isn’t sin, anymore than my bipolar potential toward art and writing is work. It’s when I give in to the pull of mania and get anxious, angry or arrogant, that I sin. Similarly, it’s only work when I tap in to the bipolar writing and art potential inside of me and put it to paper. I must avoid thinking I’m helpless to control my behaviors, and I must take the proper measures to flee lustful situations that trigger mania, anger, anxiety, sorrow and shame.

With my condition now disclosed to you, I am asking that you will pray that God will allow me to successfully leverage the 3M’s of mental warfare that have been central to the last 15 years of my battle with anxiety and depression. The 3 M’s are Mediation, Medication & Meditation.

Mediation – Prayer support and share support. This one is huge for me, one that I am attempting to speak into and build traction with even as I write this visible post. I have 5 years of bipolar church hurt mounting. Hurts I have caused them, and they have caused me.

Over the last 2 weeks I am turning to friends and family for specifically identified bipolar mediation support. By sharing my story and asking others to pray for me I feel the weight of my burden lightened. When they lean in to ask follow-up questions or share stories I am reminded…“I am not alone.”

Medication – I was on bipolar meds in the closet of seclusion back in 2020 and 2021 and I know the devastation of their side effects in there. Hopelessness can be triggered by a pill, but its devastation is multiplied by feelings of isolation, seclusion and abandonment. The feelings of hiding back then were more difficult for me to bear, than the fears of having the diagnosis out in the open today.

In 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 passage Paul laments a physical ailment that caused him spiritual anguish. This thorn in his flesh was something that he didn’t desire, but at the same time, it was something that made him more effective in his ministry of grace. If bipolar is a part of the cross that I am to bear that allows me to know the fellowship of His suffering then may I embrace the load and dare not be embarrassed by the label.

I want to labor well and be an example to my kids or to anyone who might face a future where they are asked to overcome the barriers and embrace the beauties of a bipolar mind. I refuse to do this alone and I am leaning on family, my psychiatrist, counselor, therapist, godly pastors and mentors, and other friends like you that would care to bear the burden of another and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Meditation – I am 20 years into meditation therapy, and 17 years into finding solace through meditating on the most bipolar passage in all of Scripture, Psalm 119. While in 2008 I didn’t know I had bipolar, I knew I dealt with anxiety and depression. Since that time in my life Psalm 119 has been a ravine of relief for me as it has pushed me to prayer and the Word constantly and consistently.

In 2008 I spent 22-weeks preaching this one chapter in a series of messages entitled, 1-1-9: Where Christians Turn To For Life’s Emergencies. For anyone struggling with emotional anguish I encourage you toward this Psalm to see how he battled feelings of worthlessness and emptiness with the powerful, life-breathing truths of God’s Word. As D. Martin Lloyd-Jones noted in his seminal work, Spiritual Depression, the reason so many struggle with depression is because “they spend too much time listening to themselves and not enough time talking to themselves.”

If you have read this far I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to hear my story. As often as you think of me please pray for me in this journey with my wife by my side, and our 5 sons in tow. If you are fighting bipolar I encourage you toward the 3M approach to find victory using Mediation, Medication and Meditation. We are all broken, and for those in Christ may we find beauty in knowing that Jesus is in the business of taking broken pieces and turning them into masterpieces.

Learning to boast in my weaknesses,

Pastor MT